On DLC and Buying Virtual Power

There is a seriously ignorant trend in the gaming world that make many gamers such as myself scoff at the gaming industry. Yeah, thats right, i'm talking about Downloadable Content (DLC). Mass Effect 3, recently released by none other than the greatest publisher of all time Electronic Arts, released the game and on the fucking LAUNCH DAY had "additional content" available, at a cost of course.

Now I don't know about you, but when someone shells out 60 clams for a game, they shouldn't be nickle and dimed right out of the fucking gates. Oh cool, you have some new missions or playable characters? Great! DON'T FUCKING CHARGE ME FOR IT THE DAY THE GAME RELEASES. Seriously, day one downloadable content really makes people wonder if gaming companies intentionally stripped the game in order to stick a financial butt plug in their loyal fans' asses.

I don't mind if there are serious enhancements or additional campaigns added for a few bucks several months down the road, but if you really want to piss off your fan base, day one DLC is the way to do it.

Another lame ass trend in gaming is being able to buy virtual power, giving you a competitive advantage over  other players. This shit annoys me to no end. I commend you gaming company for making your game free to play, thank you! But when you have your faggy giftshops where you can buy overpowered weapons for some horse shit 500% experience boost, you seriously dilute the enjoyment of your game for others.

All you do is reward the fucking trust fund kiddies with deep pockets and deliver a virtual punch to the cock of less wealthy players. Seriously, some of your best and most loyal customers are the ones that may not have hundreds or thousands to drop on your fucking game.

If you want to create a good free to play game, take some fucking consideration of balance when you create your damn cash shops. The reason why free to play games such as League of Legends (which I play by the way, great game!) are so successful is that their model of generating income doesn't revolve around selling power. They sell frills, such as champion skins or unlocking additional champions. This serves to protect the integrity of the game because, when you're in game, you're not facing an opponent that bought a 50% damage boost or invulnerability potion pack or some other similar horse shit.

Saying "LIKE" all the time

You. YEAH YOU. If you're a female between the ages of 13-30, chances are you need a fucking thesaurus. Why is it that women, ESPECIALLY women when they are teenagers, can't seem to speak fluently or hold a conversation without blathering "like" every other word?

Girl: And so like, he texted me, and like, told me he was gonna break up with me.
Me: Please... stop.
Girl: but I was like, "not if I break up with you first".
Me: Here you go, please read this thesaurus *hands the dumb bitch a thesaurus*
Girl: and like, he accused me of cheating on him, but it was like, one time when I was really drunk.

Girl: and like, we used protection, so like, why doesn't he forgive me?
Me: ...
Girl: So like, screw him, ya know? I can have, like, any guy I want!

Seriously, learn to convey and express yourself in a manner that doesn't sound like a verbal third trimester abortion. I don't know where this shit started, but I would put money on educational programs such as Teen Mom and Jersey Shore being the culprits.

This is an official call out to all the dumb bitches everywhere. If you want to rid yourself of the garbage that comes out of your mouth, do this:

Get a plane ticket to Washington, D.C., snag a cab ride over to the Lincoln Memorial (don't talk to the cab driver, you'll just piss him off), walk up the stairs, enter the memorial, turn to your left. Grab a chair and recite the Gettysburg Address repeatedly, until you have been purged of all verbal ignorance. Then, MAYBE THEN, will you be taken a bit more seriously. Oh, and for shits sake, calm down on the fake baking... but hey, that's another post.

Product Placement in Movies

Ahh yes, its Friday night, you're out with some friends... whats on the agenda? To the movies! And so, after everyone gets financially raped in the cornhole buying $12-15 dollar movie tickets they get to sit and watch commercials for shitty local businesses nobody cares about. Seriously, more movie trivia, less lame ass commercials.

Then, the lights dim. Time for some movie previews? Nope, expect a fucking Coca-cola commercial or other product placement garbage first. Oh and did I mention the movie we're seeing is Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon?

*Watch Movie*

Wow! What a great movie! I don't think I saw even one advertisement for: 7-11, Adidas, Amp Energy Drinks, Apple, Bud Light, Buick, Canon, Chevrolet, Cisco, CNN, Facebook, Fedex, Ferrari, Firestone, Fox News, Gillette, Hummer, Lincoln, Lowe's, Macy's, Mercedes, Nike, Nokia, PEPTO BISMOL (wtf?), Pontiac, Starbucks, Target, Trump, Twitter or USA Today, did you?

JESUS PRODUCT PLACEMENT CHRIST, did the movie operate in the green even before release? Seriously, watch Blade: Trinity. Jessica Beil, while being a fine piece of ass, is APPLE'S WHORE. Or how about Iron Man 2's treasure trove of 54 different companies being advertised. FUCK.

As far as I'm concerned, there are only three movies that do product placement right: Spaceballs, Wayne's World, and Office Space. In spaceballs how can you go wrong marketing the Spaceballs The Flamethrower: A kids toy? Sheer genius.

And Lets not forget Wayne's World's take on advertising. They don't try to hide it whatsoever, Wayne outright sells that shit to you. Its pure gold and emphasizes the ignorance of product placement in movies.

And last, but not least, Office Space. Remember how Milton always mentioned his stapler? That RED Swingline stapler? Well, thing is, is that Swingline never made a red stapler before the release of this movie. The stapler was actually painted that color for the movie. And guess what? Swingline received so many requests for red staplers after the movie release that they actually began making a red stapler.

If you're going to advertise, cut the out the subtle shit and go full-boar obnoxious.

Bathroom Stall Graffiti

There are a few places that I can think of where I can find thought-provoking, stimulating material to indulge in. Places such as libraries, museums, a classroom or even perhaps a good movie at the movie theater. But then there are other places; places where I feel more ignorant leaving than when I walked in, places where my faith in humanity dies a little every time I enter.

Yes folks, I'm talking about public restrooms. While I cannot personally attest to the conditions of female stalls, male stalls, particularly in highly trafficked areas such as a shopping mall or a local bar, are full of the most ignorant, derogatory, perverted shit I have ever seen. You can almost expect references to beastiality, perhaps an errant dick and balls drawing, or perhaps a swastika. I mean seriously, what kind of ignorant FUCK sits there, while taking a shit, and has the brilliant idea to pull out a fucking switchblade or sharpie and destroy public property? And for what? So that while I'm taking a shit I get the distinct honor of staring at it?

Or how about the "looking for a good time? call XXX-XXXX". I'll tell you what, when I'm looking for someone to get with I head to the bathroom stalls for some easy numbers. Exactly who the hell are you trying to attract? Do you post your number in a bathroom stall in hopes of attracting classy, well-respected companions? I sure as fuck hope not.

And how about the cliche "(INSERT NAME) was here" bullshit. Wow. Congratulations on immortalizing yourself at the shitter of a local Taco Bell. Seriously, do you expect anyone to recognize your reference? "Joe was here"... great Joe, I bet there were countless Joe's before you and countless after you. You know what the difference is between them and you? Absolutely nothing you dumb fuck.

Credit Card Debt

"Heyyyy, nice 56" TV! Plasma?! Very nice. Oh, you bought a Playstation 3 AND an XBOX 360 to go with it? Impressive! Aww dayum boy, you even got yourself a 7 piece leather livingroom set to go with it? NIICE. So how'd you score all this nice stuff? ...Oh, you put it on your credit card? Oh, and you'll just make minimum payments on it 'til its paid off?" You're fucking brilliant. So in the end, when you make these minimum payments with those fantastic 17-25% interest rates, you realize that you'll end up paying at least several times the original price for all this fantastic shit you needed to have?

This is the fucking problem with America; we've become a bunch of consumerist pigs that need instant gratification with total disregard for the financial repercussions of our actions. There are so many people out there that feel the need to purchase droves of materialistic crap in order to have some sense of self-worth. And what does all this shit get you? Nothing more than a financial headache when you realize that your credit card is maxed, you have jack shit for savings, and the transmission blows on that nice car that you're also making ungodly payments on.

To summarize how you should make purchases with a credit card, I've created this flow chart to help lend insight into how you should be making credit card purchasing decisions:

Now please note that this chart only applies to credit card purchases. If you have the discretionary funds available either in cash or a bank account, and can afford to make a purchase, by all means go for it! You've earned it. Believe me credit card junkies, there's no better feeling in the world than when you can pay for it upfront and not have to worry about whether or not you can make payments.

Moral of the story? Live within your means and practice some fiscal responsibility. Quit being another statistic on the charts of this country's financial problems.

Pyramid Schemes

Ever wanted to be a millionaire? No?!? Are you an ignorant fuck? Of course you do! Its the American Dream to be so filthy rich that you can quit your job, lay around a pool and snort lines of coke all day (okay, well, maybe that's my dream). Anyways, there is a particular breed of exceptionally ignorant people out there that have been suckered into the allure of easy money through pyramid schemes. Now don't get me wrong, if you're a driven salesman with a network of like-minded suckers that you can convince to buy stupid overpriced shit, more power to you. But the harsh reality of these bullshit business practices is that most people never gain any footing in this business and it becomes a complete waste of people's time, energy, and most importantly, MONEY.

While some companies such as Amway have a vast variety of garbage that they peddle, some companies have particularly narrow and extremely ignorant product lines. Health shakes, healthy-fruity-nut-bar-things (that taste like shit), bullshit skin rejuvenation creams that cost hundreds of dollars per jar, blah blah blah the list goes on.

Perhaps the worst part of these fucking pyramid schemes is how they change otherwise normal people. For example, I've got a buddy in the military; comes home once or twice a year. So, on a trip home an old high school friend gets in touch and invites him out to the bar for some drinks. They're having a jolly good time reminiscing about the days of old, when all of the sudden the conversation turns full retard and before my buddy knew it he was getting pyramid scheme jargon shoved down his throat. Like any smart, skeptical man, he got the fuck outta dodge real quick.

Moral of the story: BEWARE, not even your friends and family are safe from these shady predatorial fucks. If you find yourself suddenly being blasted with a shitstorm of pyramid scheme lingo, I've prepared a few countermeasures to help you fend off such attacks:

1.) If you're at a table and you're getting verbally hammered, you need to promptly flip the table and shout, "YOU SHALL NOT SCHEME!"

2.) If anyone asks you if you'd like to make more money or ask if you like your job, shout RAPE as loud as you can (works best in public places).

3.) Always carry a wad of monopoly money bills with you when you pay for that awesome startup kit or that yearlong supply of acai-berry energy drink shit you've always wanted.

Remember folks, theres no easy way to make money, so get yourself a job and take one in the ass from your boss in hopes of getting a raise!

Lame Job Titles / Professions

Doctor, Lawyer, Police Officer, College Professor: What do these professions have in common? These are job titles that accurately describe what said person does for a living. A doctor deals with patients and helps manage illness and disease. A lawyer is well versed in the law and litigates on behalf of their clients. Police officers serve and protect; investigating crimes and prosecuting offenders. Professors are distinguished scholars of their respective fields, and capable teachers in a post-secondary setting.

Long story short, their roles are clearly defined by their titles. But then there are other roles and titles that I deem to be complete bullshit. Two professions that come to mind are "flight attendant" and "executive assistant". No offense, but I don't see where the negative connotation lies in "stewardess". I can understand if you're a guy not wanting to be called a "stewardess" because it is a female title, but if you're a male flight attendant, you need to stick your testicles in a jar and throw it away or get a man's job like butcher or taxidermist.

And if you're a female that gets offended when I call you "stewardess", don't worry, I can do worse, you sky hooker. And "executive assistant", WOW don't you feel important. You're not an executive assistant. You're a secretary to a wealthy man who makes at least 10 times what you do. Oh, you scheduled a lunch meeting for them? Congratulations, you're fucking important.

Now, lets dig into some horrendously bullshit titles: Starbucks Barista and Subway Sandwich Artist.

Barista? Go choke on your smug title. You're a fucking coffee maker, a Starbucks minimum-wage 15-hour-a-week coffee maker. And how about a Sandwich Artist. Talk about living in a delusional candyland. Da Vinci, Van Gogh, Picasso, these are artists. All you do is make my sandwich, bitch, and you better do it with a smile on your face.

So all these bullshit titles got me thinking, can any job be candy-coated to sound more important than it really is? Lets consider a few examples.How about garbage man, also known as a Waste Management Officer. Or how about cashier, also known as a Retail Sales Associate. Or what about a bank teller, shit we can call them Funds Management Specialists.

I mean, hell, you can do it for anything. Prostitute? Personal Pleasure Consultant. Pretentious job titles don't make you sound more important, they make you sound like a douchebag.