Pyramid Schemes

Ever wanted to be a millionaire? No?!? Are you an ignorant fuck? Of course you do! Its the American Dream to be so filthy rich that you can quit your job, lay around a pool and snort lines of coke all day (okay, well, maybe that's my dream). Anyways, there is a particular breed of exceptionally ignorant people out there that have been suckered into the allure of easy money through pyramid schemes. Now don't get me wrong, if you're a driven salesman with a network of like-minded suckers that you can convince to buy stupid overpriced shit, more power to you. But the harsh reality of these bullshit business practices is that most people never gain any footing in this business and it becomes a complete waste of people's time, energy, and most importantly, MONEY.

While some companies such as Amway have a vast variety of garbage that they peddle, some companies have particularly narrow and extremely ignorant product lines. Health shakes, healthy-fruity-nut-bar-things (that taste like shit), bullshit skin rejuvenation creams that cost hundreds of dollars per jar, blah blah blah the list goes on.

Perhaps the worst part of these fucking pyramid schemes is how they change otherwise normal people. For example, I've got a buddy in the military; comes home once or twice a year. So, on a trip home an old high school friend gets in touch and invites him out to the bar for some drinks. They're having a jolly good time reminiscing about the days of old, when all of the sudden the conversation turns full retard and before my buddy knew it he was getting pyramid scheme jargon shoved down his throat. Like any smart, skeptical man, he got the fuck outta dodge real quick.

Moral of the story: BEWARE, not even your friends and family are safe from these shady predatorial fucks. If you find yourself suddenly being blasted with a shitstorm of pyramid scheme lingo, I've prepared a few countermeasures to help you fend off such attacks:

1.) If you're at a table and you're getting verbally hammered, you need to promptly flip the table and shout, "YOU SHALL NOT SCHEME!"

2.) If anyone asks you if you'd like to make more money or ask if you like your job, shout RAPE as loud as you can (works best in public places).

3.) Always carry a wad of monopoly money bills with you when you pay for that awesome startup kit or that yearlong supply of acai-berry energy drink shit you've always wanted.

Remember folks, theres no easy way to make money, so get yourself a job and take one in the ass from your boss in hopes of getting a raise!