Bathroom Stall Graffiti

There are a few places that I can think of where I can find thought-provoking, stimulating material to indulge in. Places such as libraries, museums, a classroom or even perhaps a good movie at the movie theater. But then there are other places; places where I feel more ignorant leaving than when I walked in, places where my faith in humanity dies a little every time I enter.

Yes folks, I'm talking about public restrooms. While I cannot personally attest to the conditions of female stalls, male stalls, particularly in highly trafficked areas such as a shopping mall or a local bar, are full of the most ignorant, derogatory, perverted shit I have ever seen. You can almost expect references to beastiality, perhaps an errant dick and balls drawing, or perhaps a swastika. I mean seriously, what kind of ignorant FUCK sits there, while taking a shit, and has the brilliant idea to pull out a fucking switchblade or sharpie and destroy public property? And for what? So that while I'm taking a shit I get the distinct honor of staring at it?

Or how about the "looking for a good time? call XXX-XXXX". I'll tell you what, when I'm looking for someone to get with I head to the bathroom stalls for some easy numbers. Exactly who the hell are you trying to attract? Do you post your number in a bathroom stall in hopes of attracting classy, well-respected companions? I sure as fuck hope not.

And how about the cliche "(INSERT NAME) was here" bullshit. Wow. Congratulations on immortalizing yourself at the shitter of a local Taco Bell. Seriously, do you expect anyone to recognize your reference? "Joe was here"... great Joe, I bet there were countless Joe's before you and countless after you. You know what the difference is between them and you? Absolutely nothing you dumb fuck.

Credit Card Debt

"Heyyyy, nice 56" TV! Plasma?! Very nice. Oh, you bought a Playstation 3 AND an XBOX 360 to go with it? Impressive! Aww dayum boy, you even got yourself a 7 piece leather livingroom set to go with it? NIICE. So how'd you score all this nice stuff? ...Oh, you put it on your credit card? Oh, and you'll just make minimum payments on it 'til its paid off?" You're fucking brilliant. So in the end, when you make these minimum payments with those fantastic 17-25% interest rates, you realize that you'll end up paying at least several times the original price for all this fantastic shit you needed to have?

This is the fucking problem with America; we've become a bunch of consumerist pigs that need instant gratification with total disregard for the financial repercussions of our actions. There are so many people out there that feel the need to purchase droves of materialistic crap in order to have some sense of self-worth. And what does all this shit get you? Nothing more than a financial headache when you realize that your credit card is maxed, you have jack shit for savings, and the transmission blows on that nice car that you're also making ungodly payments on.

To summarize how you should make purchases with a credit card, I've created this flow chart to help lend insight into how you should be making credit card purchasing decisions:

Now please note that this chart only applies to credit card purchases. If you have the discretionary funds available either in cash or a bank account, and can afford to make a purchase, by all means go for it! You've earned it. Believe me credit card junkies, there's no better feeling in the world than when you can pay for it upfront and not have to worry about whether or not you can make payments.

Moral of the story? Live within your means and practice some fiscal responsibility. Quit being another statistic on the charts of this country's financial problems.

Pyramid Schemes

Ever wanted to be a millionaire? No?!? Are you an ignorant fuck? Of course you do! Its the American Dream to be so filthy rich that you can quit your job, lay around a pool and snort lines of coke all day (okay, well, maybe that's my dream). Anyways, there is a particular breed of exceptionally ignorant people out there that have been suckered into the allure of easy money through pyramid schemes. Now don't get me wrong, if you're a driven salesman with a network of like-minded suckers that you can convince to buy stupid overpriced shit, more power to you. But the harsh reality of these bullshit business practices is that most people never gain any footing in this business and it becomes a complete waste of people's time, energy, and most importantly, MONEY.

While some companies such as Amway have a vast variety of garbage that they peddle, some companies have particularly narrow and extremely ignorant product lines. Health shakes, healthy-fruity-nut-bar-things (that taste like shit), bullshit skin rejuvenation creams that cost hundreds of dollars per jar, blah blah blah the list goes on.

Perhaps the worst part of these fucking pyramid schemes is how they change otherwise normal people. For example, I've got a buddy in the military; comes home once or twice a year. So, on a trip home an old high school friend gets in touch and invites him out to the bar for some drinks. They're having a jolly good time reminiscing about the days of old, when all of the sudden the conversation turns full retard and before my buddy knew it he was getting pyramid scheme jargon shoved down his throat. Like any smart, skeptical man, he got the fuck outta dodge real quick.

Moral of the story: BEWARE, not even your friends and family are safe from these shady predatorial fucks. If you find yourself suddenly being blasted with a shitstorm of pyramid scheme lingo, I've prepared a few countermeasures to help you fend off such attacks:

1.) If you're at a table and you're getting verbally hammered, you need to promptly flip the table and shout, "YOU SHALL NOT SCHEME!"

2.) If anyone asks you if you'd like to make more money or ask if you like your job, shout RAPE as loud as you can (works best in public places).

3.) Always carry a wad of monopoly money bills with you when you pay for that awesome startup kit or that yearlong supply of acai-berry energy drink shit you've always wanted.

Remember folks, theres no easy way to make money, so get yourself a job and take one in the ass from your boss in hopes of getting a raise!

Lame Job Titles / Professions

Doctor, Lawyer, Police Officer, College Professor: What do these professions have in common? These are job titles that accurately describe what said person does for a living. A doctor deals with patients and helps manage illness and disease. A lawyer is well versed in the law and litigates on behalf of their clients. Police officers serve and protect; investigating crimes and prosecuting offenders. Professors are distinguished scholars of their respective fields, and capable teachers in a post-secondary setting.

Long story short, their roles are clearly defined by their titles. But then there are other roles and titles that I deem to be complete bullshit. Two professions that come to mind are "flight attendant" and "executive assistant". No offense, but I don't see where the negative connotation lies in "stewardess". I can understand if you're a guy not wanting to be called a "stewardess" because it is a female title, but if you're a male flight attendant, you need to stick your testicles in a jar and throw it away or get a man's job like butcher or taxidermist.

And if you're a female that gets offended when I call you "stewardess", don't worry, I can do worse, you sky hooker. And "executive assistant", WOW don't you feel important. You're not an executive assistant. You're a secretary to a wealthy man who makes at least 10 times what you do. Oh, you scheduled a lunch meeting for them? Congratulations, you're fucking important.

Now, lets dig into some horrendously bullshit titles: Starbucks Barista and Subway Sandwich Artist.

Barista? Go choke on your smug title. You're a fucking coffee maker, a Starbucks minimum-wage 15-hour-a-week coffee maker. And how about a Sandwich Artist. Talk about living in a delusional candyland. Da Vinci, Van Gogh, Picasso, these are artists. All you do is make my sandwich, bitch, and you better do it with a smile on your face.

So all these bullshit titles got me thinking, can any job be candy-coated to sound more important than it really is? Lets consider a few examples.How about garbage man, also known as a Waste Management Officer. Or how about cashier, also known as a Retail Sales Associate. Or what about a bank teller, shit we can call them Funds Management Specialists.

I mean, hell, you can do it for anything. Prostitute? Personal Pleasure Consultant. Pretentious job titles don't make you sound more important, they make you sound like a douchebag.